Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Life is Crazy

Had a deep sleep this evening!

This evening sleeps always make me think harder or say, deeper!

Had this been a summer evening, there would be a pale yellow light everywhere and I would have thought of how life would be for people who have jaundice!

But it had started drizzling!

Well, I walked to a local stationery shop to get some stuff!

The road seemed strangely empty(or was it the effect of this thought"full"ness?!!).

A house was decorated with glittering, colorful lights! There was going to be a marriage soon … What an irony, the house next door, was the house of death, people mourning, their somber faces!! Life is so colorful …. All black and white....

While coming back, same road, I found two little girls, hands on each others shoulders, walking so carelessly, I was just following them, soon one of them stumbled over a stone and the other girl so lovingly supported her! Such an innocent act of kindness moved me instantly!

I also saw someone thrown on the side of the road, drunk may be, who could have been otherwise dining with his family , commenting on the long episodes of his wife's favorite TV soap, and secretly enjoying the food she prepared!

Question: Why is life like this?

By the way, what do I have to do with these incidents? A mere audience?!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

[ Blank ]

I want to shrink to the size I was 20 years before!

Blink innocently.....

And I do not want to remember all that I hear, see or feel!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I am concerned more of the time of the day(??!!) 1.16 am on my computer screen …Fan above is making all kinds of creaking sounds…But listening to Shiv Kumar Sharma’s Marwa raaga, is a great feeling of getting drained in the musical rain!!

Wait, …… I just closed my eyes and thought of “Night” .

Ahhh, Night !

The time where those who have been working hard all day go to rest, the lorry wallahs sit by the campfire and gossip, some working in call centers attending all those dirty calls of problems!

Soft giggles of lovers , water ripples on bank of river, the haunting sound of some unknown bird on a distant tree, vehicles speeding on the road, the screeching sound of the tyres on brakes, and laughs of a united friends gang on a cousin’s wedding, the sound of vessles at a party!

I would like to go for a long walk on such a night!

And that hard hitting feeling of being all alone in the world, feeling as if the only person awake!!!!

Eeew......... I'll better sleep now :)

Saturday, September 25, 2010


This way … 20 yards to the left from the corner of this road, you are almost there, I’m going over there, follow me.” His fingers pointed to the corner as he panted. His face was blood red. I thought he was mad at me for stopping him. But he was in such a hurry, he had no time to even think of showing any particular feeling towards me; he had come running probably from a very long distance. He also carried a heavy backpack and a huge bag in one of his hands.

He must be lucky” I thought “He must be having a lot of memories

I was standing there empty handed.

It’s getting late. Will you not come? I can’t wait longer, see how the queue is growing every second…

I wished, for a split of a second, our eyes would meet and he would understand all of me.

Alas… he turned, “I’m going …. Have a nice time” he shouted, as he raced, without even looking back!

I guess I wanted to stop him…

But… Everyone else were running towards the corner of the road! He should not miss it!

I took the pass in my hand… It was glittering despite the accumulated dust of long long years.

It is the ticket to a happier world, you’ll have no worry once you enter it… all you have to do is follow the rules and regulations of the world” somebody had handed the ticket to me in one of those low times of my youthful days.

I had flatly ignored it… Obviously… I never believed happiness is bound to any rules and regulations.

I stepped further...Empty handed…the pass tucked to my waistband…. I had memories too, but I had chosen to leave them behind, anyhow I had dreamt of a happier world, a new world, and so a new me, I dint find a reason to pack my past!

I saw it! It was a golden gate! Walls so high, fresh paints and the view beyond the gate was just awesome… Colors, colors and more colors. I saw people wandering about, everyone seemed happy, everyone smiled!!

The queue was now a maddened crowd… running, shouting, abusing at each other… each of them wanted to be at the other side of the gate, each of them wanted to be more happy!

And… I was going to be one among them. I closed my eyes to let it sink in… “I’ll be happier now on” I sighed!

The shouting, the madness seem to fade, people became silent once they stepped past the golden gate! It was now my turn! I was still closing my eyes. The guard shook me, he snatched my pass, and tucked a paper in my hand and gave me a paper bag.

Rule: ” the paper said “There’s no going back

I lifted my chin to thank him… “probably with a wide smile” What I saw was unusual, he had the widest smile and it was the weirdest smile.

I was inside the gate now, I opened the bag, it was a mask, a very stylish mask, and it had the widest smile I ever saw.

Then, I saw it.. Everyone there were smiling .. their masks smiled for them…

The impact of the shock was too cold to bear… nothing really happened to me….. Now, I had to wear the mask too

And the rule said “There’s no going back”!

Friday, September 17, 2010

After all, you did not break my heart

I didn’t know this evening would turn into a wonderful night with a crystal clear sky with shining diamonds and smooth pearls, and then they would start pouring down all of a sudden to soak me completely and trip off on my toes.

I’m not a goddess; oh, I’m not even a charming angel! Miracles never happen with me.

But then, I do not know how I saw you here. Here…. on my lap … Foraying my inner tranquility with those deep brown eyes. Were you here when my hands played on those strings? When I had closed my eyes in expectation of no one in particular but for a seamless beauty to manifest in front of me? Did you blow a sweet wind of love on my face which was partly hidden behind the flitting black hair?

But.... But….Can that be possible anyhow?

There is no light anywhere…. All the light beads have dripped off and flowed into the sea.. and I am not on the shore anymore…

I am drowning … Deep into the night…

Should I let myself drown? Or should I put my arms around your shoulders?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Moving on...

Yeah, I cried last night!

I held on to the pillow his head rested on, on the same bed he slept last time and let out all pent up feelings to flow out!

It was a long time!

He did not come to switch off the lights,
to silently remove my glasses
and fold the book I read.

I slept...

Now, I smile, i must 'move on'.....

No! please dont comment!

Friday, August 20, 2010

His memories

I have always hated how some government offices work in snail’s pace! People and especially few women (!!) handle papers and notes as if they are changing diapers of a two months baby! On every such occasion an invisible steam of anger passes off my head and I scream in a dumb voice, “What the heck! Give it to me and I’ll count that wad in a minute!

It was a rainy evening; 6.30 seemed like 8 o’clock as black clouds spread over our heads! Back tyre of my pretty pink bicycle had got a puncture and I rejoiced at the idea of going to dad’s office, so that I could go home late, with him!

I always loved this Harihar MDG during evenings when most of the workers left and dad along with a couple of co-workers used to finalize the day’s accounts. It was an old fashioned building with no definite plan or structure, but He was always proud of its 100+ year’s history and amazing (!!!) post-box like entrance. Well, somehow I loved it!!

He never spoke more than a few words at a time. Those days, discussions with him seemed like dreams (Huumn.. it implies we both were great friends later and used to talk for tens of minutes on phone sometimes!! Yeah, this was an impossible yet true fact!! ).

That evening, He sat at the other side of that huge table facing me; a plate bore the letters “post master”; I asked him,”Pappa, why cant postal department implement computerization throughout? I do not like it when you come home with that tensed face. Computers ease life pappa, softwares can be written for almost anything, other departments are so ‘modern’. Your offices use the same old dull colored papers. (My face had a “yuk” expression) “

His eyes were still on those “dull-colored” papers, with his peculiar way of holding pen, he was signing a paper, his signature was so cute, he smiled, and said, “you write a software, I’ll bring it here and ‘ease’ my life, okay? “

It was back then when I rode my pretty pink bicycle to a 2km away school called “Saint Mary’s Convent”; back then when I fancied the idea of becoming a “Mathematics Lecturer”; when I had no idea I would sometime in future become a software engineer!

Pappa, I can write software for your department now! Can you come back for just once??

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Love Story of a Rain Drop

We are coming….
Can you see that shadow?
We are occupying you… captivating you…
You heard me??
We will be right there… only moments later…
We are getting ready.. hold on…

Yea…. We arrive .. :)

Ahhh, that smell…. Ummm, are you happy?
I can feel it darling…. I see you smiling.
I would be thrilled by your touch but for this window pane! Damn it! It cut me off….

You look so beautiful today, your angelic demeanor, long curly hairs, and lotus like eyes (and that they are closed adds to the beauty)! I just feel like falling in love, right here, right now!

Wondering where I learnt all these? All these euphonic words?

Last time I came on earth, I gaped at Him, stared at Him, I stood there, for a very long time indeed. He did not move… not a quarter of an inch, and he did not close his eyes. He stared back at me, there was no violence, there was no remorse too, he just stared at me!
After a minute, It came…. like a thunderbolt, I shuddered; then I realized; he was pleading…. He had a message! His words flowed through his eyes. And I took them all, I grabbed at his words, they were huge but they were light! I held each of them close to my heart so that I would never make them fall off.

I rushed after that. I did not stop. My fellow mates had a nice time partying there at the bottom of the pool, they sang as children splashed on them, they were enjoying the big roller coaster ride of their life. I had a message to deliver and I could not have spared any moment. From the moment I fell on the soil, when mother earth sucked me and sun vaporized me to form a beautiful cloud, I asked myself if I missed something big at that pool!

Now, I’m here, and I know why I missed that fun!

You are a visual feast....ohhh... its treat!! yea, treat or feast, I'm just learning lessons ;)

He was right; you are an angel!

I can see how my friends are rushing now, to reach a pool down there. Some are pushing others too, I avoid them; shout at them to mind their own business. Let them party!

I linger on…
You may have a message for him!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A message from a distorted soul

My Love,

Now it’s time for failed words, failed emotions… You have loved too much and it’s time to take some rest, and most importantly I do understand it!!

So many dreams, a bike ride, singing, writing letters, talking for hours, crazy chats, gifts, a bite on the ear, kisses, hugs and sleeping on your chest!!

A lot of misunderstandings and so much of explanations… Indeed you need a lot of rest………….

What is left that you could have done for me? I’m happy, and a hell lot happy….

Some souls are like that, dissatisfied, uncomfortable, misunderstanding and failing… Ultimately, other souls are fed up, they move … flow… sometimes run… undemanding, unquestioning….. Peace and serenity!

Conclusion: Everything happens for a good cause!

Love again :)

Monday, August 16, 2010

He abandons me… every now and then!

“I’m not satisfied. I want more! Give me a bigger share; don’t I deserve it?
When I offer you my only fruit, you fondly accept it?!! Don’t you believe in ‘giving-back’ theory? “

He answers a NO.. a simple and plain No. And he doesn’t even try to explain why!

Well, I guess he always knew ‘giving’, not ‘giving-back’, because his thoughts are selfless. He never declined my offer because it was my desire to serve him. He never demanded anything.

I was always free, he never held me; it was I who never chose to leave.

Now he abandons me; it doesn’t mean he never comes back. He could be just late. Whatever, I wait here, under the same shade of his trust and I never choose to leave!